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        启功:人生没那么复杂,就是找乐子啊

        作者:admin2020-04-10 07:15:15 来源:网络

          QIGONG

          (1912.7.26—2005.6.30)

          QIGONGXIANSHENGZAI配资公司 ZHONGDEYISHI,FENGQUZHONGBAOHANZHEWENQING,XINLAZHONGBAOHANZHEGANDONG,GUOXUEDASHIQIGONGXIANSHENGDEXINGXIANGZAIWEIDIANYINGZHONGWEIMIAOWEIXIAO。

          塔城炒股配资 YOUYUZAI配资公司 ZHONGYAOJIECHUXINGXINGSESEDERENWU,YOUXIESHITAXIHUANDE,YOUXIESHITABUXIHUANDE,DANWULUNSHENMEYANGDERENWU,QIGONGDOUNENGQINGSONGZHOUXUAN,QIAOMIAOYINGDUI。SUIKOUFENGSHANGYIGEXIAODUANZI,QINGSONGHUAJIEGANGA,YOUNENGBORENYIXIAO,WENNUANRENXIN,HAOWUJIAZI。


          启功幽默段子集锦


          三陪 

          塔城炒股配资 SHANGSHIJI90NIANDAIYILAI,MOUXIELINGDAOFUYONGFENGYA,CHUXINGHUOCANJIAYIXIEHUODONGXIDAISHIREN、SHUHUAJIAZUOPEI。HUOWENXIANSHENGYUE:“CIYOUSHUOHU,”DAYUE:“YOU,CIWEIZHI‘SANPEISHISHUHUA’。”WEN:“RUOYICIWUZIZUOSHANGLIAN,QINGNIXIALIAN。”XIANSHENGXUNJIEDUIZHIYUN:“YISAODUDUHUANG。”DUIZHANGGONGWEN,WENZHEJINGYAZHIYU,WEN:“ZUOHEJIE?”XIANSHENGNAIZHENGJINYUE:“CISHIJIUZHIYIKECHENGYIN,YIYANGWEIHAIGERENJISHEHUI,WOBEINENGBUJIEZHI!”

          不急 

          ZAIQIGONGBEIRENMINGWEI“ZHONGYANGWENSHIYANJIUGUANGUANZHANG”HOU,YOURENZHUHESHUO,ZHEISHI“BUJI”NI。QIGONGZELIYONGXIEYINFENGQUDISHUO:“BUJI,WOBUJI,ZHENBUJI!”

          部长开飞机 

          塔城炒股配资 ZHONGGUOSHUXIEHUANJIE,QIGONGXIANSHENGTUIJIANMOUXIANSHENGCHUREN。YOURENBUJIE,WENTA:“MOUXIANSHENGHUIXIEZIMA?”QIXIANSHENGFANWEN:“HANGKONGHANGTIANGONGYEBUDEBUZHANGHUIKAIFEIJIMA?”

          胡言 

          QIGONGWAICHUJIANGXUESHI,TINGDAOHUIYIZHUCHIRENCHANGSHUODE“XIANZAIQINGQILAOZUOZHISHI”,TAJIEXIAQUDEHUABIANSHI:“ZHISHIBUGANDANG。BENRENSHIMANZU,ZUXIANHUODONGZAIDONGBEI,SHUSHAOSHUMINZU,LISHISHANGTONGCHENG’HUREN’。YINCIZAIXIASUOJIANG,QUANSHIBUZHEBUKOUDE‘HUYAN’……”

          不花钱也行 

          塔城炒股配资 QIXIANSHENGYUYIGEPENGYOUDAOWUXIYOULAN,PENGYOUYONGGAOJIAMAILETIAOSICHOUNEIKUCHUAN,BINGDUIXIANSHENGSHUO:“SUIRANHENGUI,DANCHUANZHEZHENSHUFU,ZHENQINGBIAN,CHUANSHANGJIUGENMEICHUANYIYANG。”XIANSHENGYINGSHENGSHUO:“WOBUHUAQIANYENENGDEDAOZHEIYANGDEXIAOGUO。”

          倾倒之印 

          塔城炒股配资 YICI,QIXIANSHENGWEIBIERENTIZIHOU,ZHAOLILUOKUAN、YONGZHANG,BULIAOQIANYINSHIDIANDAOLE,PANGGUANZHEWUBUWANXI,YEBUBIANQINGXIANSHENGZHONGXIEYIFU,ZHIHAOQUANWEI:“MEIGUANXI,MEIGUANXI。”XIANSHENGXIAOERBUDA,YOUNIANQIBIZAIQIANYINPANGBUSHANGYIXINGXIAOZI:“XIAOYINDIANDAO,GAIBIAODUIZHURENQINGDAOZHIYIYE。”YUSHIJUZUOZHONGHUAN。

          挂上与扮上 

          塔城炒股配资 QIXIANSHENGCENGYUN:SHUHUAJIADESHUIPINGJIUJINGRUHE,ZUIHAODEJIANYANBANFAJIUSHIBATADEZUOPIN“GUASHANG”。ZHEIJIUHAOXIANGJIANYANYIGEJINGJUYANYUAN,ZUIHAODEBANFAJIUSHIJITA“BANSHANG”,TAJIUJINGGOUBUGOU“JIAOER”,YIBANSHANGJIUKANCHULAILE;SHIBUSHISHUFAJIA,YIGUASHANGYEJIUKANCHULAILE。

          妙解执笔法 

          QIXIANSHENGJIANGKESHI,CENGYOURENDITIAOQINGJIAOZHIBIFAYUSHUFAYOULIEZHIGUANXI。XIANSHENGSHUO:“YIZHIBIFALUNDUANSHUFASHUYOUSHULIE,ZUINANFUREN。PIRUSHANGJIEMAIBAOZI,NIZHIKANBAOZIZHILIANG,GUANNEICHUZISHIZHANZHEHAISHIZUOZHENIE,SHIWUZHINIEHAISHISIZHINIEDENI?NEICHUZICHULAISHUO‘YOUSHIZHANZHE,YOUSHIZUOZHE,WOSHIYONGZUOSHOUSANGEZHITOUNIEDEZHE’,NIHAIMAIBUMAI?ZUOSHOUSANGEZHITOUNIEZHEDEBAOZILIMAJIUBUXIANGLE?ZANMENDEXIANGAOQINGCHUSHICHIBAOZI,HAISHICHISHOUYI?SIZHIHAISHIWUZHIWOGUAN,DOUGEZIYOUXIEDAOLI,DANZUIZHONGKANDESHIZUOPINSHUIPING。

          纸笔上下功夫

          塔城炒股配资 YOURENWEN“BUZEZHIBI”YU“SHIFOUDINGYAOYONGSHANGDENGZHIBICAINENGCHUHAOZUOPIN”DEWENTI。QIXIANSHENGSHUO:“SHANGDENGZHIBIKENENGHUIYOUYIXIEBANGZHU,DANBUJUEDUI。LISHISHANGBUSHAOGUOBAOJISHUHUADOUBUSHIYONGDANGSHIQINGLOUSHEBIYUCHULONGPAN(BIMOZHIYAN)XIECHENGDE。ZAIZHIBISHANGXIAGONGFU,BURUZHUANZHUYUZIJIDENEIWAIGONG,YISHICHUXUEYISHIMOLI。MEITINGSHUODIAOSANGZIYIDINGYAODAOTIANTANBA?NEIXIBANLILIANYATUI,YEMEITINGSHUOYAOYONGJINZHUANBA?……GONGFUDAOLE,YAOZHENGSHIFENMODENGCHANGLE,ZHIBANDIANXINGTOU,YEBUSHIBUKEYI。DANBUNENGDENGTAIZALEXIPAIZI,GENGUANZHONGSHUO‘ZAIXIACHANGDEBUHAO,XINGTOUSHIMEILANFANGYONGGUODE’,GUANYONGMA?”

          鸟乎 

          QINPENGHAOYOUJIANDAOQIXIANSHENGZONGSHIGUANQIEDIWEN:“NINZUIJINSHENTIRUHE?”XIANSHENGCHANGHUIDA:“NIAOHULE。”“HEWEINIAOHU?”XIANSHENGZEXIAOMIMIDIDADAO:“JIUSHICHAYIDIANJIUWUHULE!”

          不拨“自倒” 

          ZAIBEISHIDAXIAOYUANNEI,SHISHENGMENZUNCHENGTAWEI“BODAO”。BOSHISHENGDAOSHIQIGONGBIANXIAOZHESHUO:“LAOXIUCHUICHUILAOYI,YIBOJIUDAO、YIBOJIUDAO,WOSHI‘BODAO’,BUBO‘ZIDAO’YI!”

          你冷我不冷 

          XILENGYINSHEZAIZHAOLAOSHISHIHOU,GONGTUIQIXIANSHENGDANRENSHEZHANG。MOUNIANYINSHEJUXINGLIHUI,QIXIANSHENGYUZHONGGUOSHUXIEMOUWEILINGDAOGONGTONGYUHUI。HUISHANGQIXIANSHENGFAYAN,ZIRANLVLVTIJI“XILING(líng)”RUHERUHE,BULIAONEIWEISHUXIELINGDAOQUEZAIYIPANGHAOXINDIWEIQIXIANSHENG“JIUCUO”,XIAOSHENGSHUODAO:“SHI‘XILENG(lěng)’YA。”SHUBUZHISHIZIJIWENHUABUGOUCHUQIU。QIGONGTINGHOUYINGSHENGDAO:“NILENG,WOBULENG。”

          就差公厕没找我题字 

          塔城炒股配资 QIXIANSHENGSHUFASHENGMINGQUEQI、FENGMIQUANGUOHOU,DAOCHUDOUSHITADETIZI,JIGUAN、XUEXIAO、SHANGDIAN、FENGJINGMINGSHENG,SUICHUKEJIAN。YOUXIEHENXIAODEDANWEIYEZHAOXIANSHENGTIMING,YIZHUANGSHENGWEI,JIAMAODETIZIYESUIZHIERLAI。RANXIANSHENGCHANGYAN:“WOZUIAITIDEHAISHIFANDIAN、FANGUAN,ZONGKEYIJIEJICHITAYILIANGDUN。”YOUZITANDAO:“JIUCHAGONGCEMEIZHAOWOTIZILE。”

          发酵 

          ZAOSHANGBADIANBANYIWEIYOURENQUQIXIANSHENGCHU,JIANXIANSHENGZUOZAIDANRENSHAFASHANG,ZHENGZAICHIZAODIAN。JIAOSHANGMEIYOUCHUANWAZI,JIAOWANXIANRANYOUXIEZHONG,JIANYOURENJINLAI,MANMANJUQISHOUZHAOHU。YOURENWENXIANSHENGDEJIAO,XIANSHENGSHUO:“FAJIAOLA。”

          痔疮与口疮 

          MOUFANJU,YOURENXIANTANQIZHIBINGDEQIAOMEN,YUN:“YOUXIEWAIKEZHITISHANGDEXIAOBINGYIYUJIANGSHENTIDAOZHI,RUYAOTENGZHEKEYIDUODAOXING,YOURUZHANGZHICHUANGZHEKEYIMEITIANDAOLIRUOGANSHIJIAN,ZEGANGMENFUJINDEYUXUEBIANKESANKAI。”TINGZHICICHU,QIXIANSHENGBUJINBUMANDIXIAOYUN:“ZHICHUANGDAOSHISANKAILE,GAIZHANGKOUCHUANGLE。”YIZUOWEIZHIPENFAN。

          看完请回 

          YIWEIHUASHANGDAOQIGONGXIANSHENGJIAKOUMENBAIFANG,XIANGDEDAOLAORENYIJIANMOBAO。DANCISHANGRENYUSHENBUJIA,QILAOJIUYOUERWEN,BIANZOUJINLANGQIAN,DAKAIDENGHOU,GEZHEMENWENSHANGREN:“NILAIZUOSHENME?”SHANGRENSHUO:“LAIKANNIN。”QILAOTIEJINMENCHUANG,JIANGSHENTIBUTONGFANGXIANGYIYIZHANSHIJIDUIFANGKAN,RANHOUSHUO:“KANWANLE,QINGHUIBA!”HUASHANGYOUXIEGANGA,NIERUZHESHUO:“WOJININDAILAIYIXIELIWU。”LAORENYOUMODISHUO:“NIDAOGONGYUANKANXIONGMAOHAIYONGDAILIPINMA?”

          棺材 

          塔城炒股配资 YOUYICI,YIGEDICHANSHANGZHUNBEIHAOLEBIMOZHIYAN,FEIRANGQIXIANSHENGJIZIJIDELOUPANTICI,QIXIANSHENGLIANYICHEN,DAO:“NIZHUNBEIHAOLEBI,WOJIUYIDINGDEXIEMA?NEINIZHUNBEIHAOGUANCAI,WOHAIWANGLITIAOA?”YIJUHUA,ZAICHANGDERENDOULELE。

          给活着的人建纪念馆 

          YICI,LIKUSHANDEERZIDUIQIXIANSHENGSHUO,TACENGZAIJINANJIETOUPENGDAOYIWEIYOUREN,ZHEIWEIYOURENNACHUYIFULILAODEHUA,WENTASHIZHENSHIWEI。LIKUSHANDEERZISHUO:“NEISHIFUQINLIKUSHANJINIANGUANJIANLISHI,WOJIAJUANJIJINIANGUANDEYA,ZENMEZAIWAIMIANJIMAILENI?”YUSHI,XIANSHENGDUITASHUO:“SHIXIALIUXINGJIHUOZHEDERENJIUJIANJINIANGUAN、YISHUGUAN,WOKEBUYAO。JIWOSHEGECESUODAXIAODEWUZI,DAORANGWOJUANCHUDUOSHAODUOSHAOZUOPIN,MINGERWOHAIMEISI,ZHEIXIEZUOPINQUANZAIWAIMIANMAILE!”

          您姓阎吗? 

          YOURENLAIFANG,JIANDAOQIXIANSHENGJIUSHUO:“NINLAOJINGSHENZHENHAO,YIDINGHUIZHANGMINGBAISUIDE。”XIANSHENGLIJIFANWENDAO:“NINXINGYANMA?”WENDELAIRENYISHIMOBUZHETOUNAO。XIANSHENGYOUXUXUDAOLAI:“YANWANGYECAIZHIDAOWONENGHUODUODA,NINZENMEYEZHIDAO?”SHUODELAIRENYUZAIZUODEDOUXIAOLEQILAI。

          出与进 

          MOUKERENLAIDAOQIGONGXIANSHENGJIABAIFANG,JINJIALUOZUOHOU,XIANSHENGZHAOLILIRANGCHASHUI。KERENJIANXIANSHENGNIANMAI,WEIMIANLAODUN,BIANJINZHANGDIKEQIDAO:“NINLAOBIEMAFANLE,WOCHUMENBUHESHUIDE。”XIANSHENGYINGSHENGDAO:“NIZHEIBUSHI‘JINMEN’LEMA?”KERENDUNGANQINQIE。

          与吃肉无关 

          QIGONGXIANSHENGYOUCIQUYIYUANKANBING,HUSHINAZHEZHUANGYOUTAXUEYEDESHIGUANBUTINGDIYAOHUANG,QIGONGXIANSHENGWEN:“NIWEISHENMEYAOHUANG?”DAYUE:“NINDEXUETAICHOULA,BUYAOJIUHUIHENKUAININGGU,NINYAOSHAOCHIROULA!”QIAQIAO,CISHIZHAOPOCHUXIANSHENGYELAIZHENBING,ZHAOLAOSHUO:“CHILEYIBEIZISU,XIANZAIYESHIXUEZHIGAO。”ZHEIXIARANGQILAOZHUAZHULE“FANJI”DEZHENGJU:“NIKAN,WOSHUOYIDINGHECHIROUMEISHENMEGUANXIMA!”

          苦中取乐吟诗词 

          QIGONGXIANSHENGHUANYOUMEINIERSHIZONGHEZHENG,FAZUOSHIXUANYUN、ERMING、OUTU,DANTAQUENENGZAIKUZHONGQULE,XIZUO《QINYUANCHONG·MEINIERSHIZONGHEZHENG》CIYISHOU: 

          “夜梦初回,地转天旋,两眼难睁。忽翻肠搅肚,连呕带泻;头沉向下,脚软飘空。耳里蝉嘶,渐如牛吼,最后悬锤撞大钟。真要命,似这般滋味,不易形容。明朝去找医生,服‘苯海拉明’、‘乘晕宁’。说脑中血管,老年硬化,发生阻碍,失去平衡。此症称为,美尼尔氏,不是寻常暑气蒸。稍可惜,现药无特效,且待公薨。” 

          QIGONGXIANSHENGJINGZHUIBINGFAZUOSHIJINXINGQIANYINZHILIAO,BENSHIYIJIANLINGRENSHIFENTONGKUZHISHI,KEXIANSHENGQUEYIYISHOU《XIJIANGYUE》DAQU: 

          “七节颈椎生刺,六斤铁饼拴牢。长绳牢系两三条,头上数根活套。虽不轻松愉快,略同锻炼晨操。《洗冤录》里篇篇瞧,不见这般上吊。”又一次,启功先生的晕病发作,医生给他输液治疗不见好转。他在感慨之下,吟了一首《渔家傲·就医》以“抒怀”:“眩晕多年真可怕,千难苦况难描画。动脉老年多硬化,瓶高挂,扩张血管功能大。七日疗程滴液罢,毫升加倍齐输纳。瞎子点灯白费蜡,刚说话,眼球震颤头朝下。”

          自撰墓志铭

          ZAIQIGONG66SUIFENGTOUZHENGJINGZHISHI,TAZHUANXIELEYIPIAN《ZIZHUANMUZHIMING》,27NIANHOU,MUZHIMINGZUIZHONG“JUANKE”ZAITADEMUBEISHANG。

          QUANWENRUXIA: 

           ZHONGXUESHENG,FUJIAOSHOU。

          BOBUJING,ZHUANBUTOU。

          塔城炒股配资 MINGSUIYANG,SHIBUGOU。

          GAOBUCHENG,DIBUJIU。

          塔城炒股配资 TANQUZUO,PAICENGYOU。

          MIANWEIYUAN,PIQIANHOU。

          QIYIWANG,BINGWUHOU。

          塔城炒股配资 SANGYOUXIN,BINGZHAOJIU。

          塔城炒股配资 LIUSHILIU,FEIBUSHOU。

          塔城炒股配资 BABAOSHAN,JIANXIANGCOU。

          塔城炒股配资 JIPINGSHENG,SHIYUELOU。

          SHENYUMING,YIQICHOU。

          TONGGUOYISHANGZHEIXIEXIAOGUSHI,XIAODUANZI,WOMENKEYIGANDAOYIGEAIZENGFENMING、BAOJINGCANGSANG、ZHIHUIHUODADELAORENDEZHENSHICUNZAI。ZHEIJIUSHIQIGONGXIANSHENG,YIWEIKEJINGKEAIDELAOTOUER。

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